Looking back…

Posted on by the-back-road-chronicles

These first days of the brand new year hold lots of hope and promises and looking forward, we can’t help looking back: to remember what’s worth remembering and to quickly dismiss what’s worth forgetting.

Join me on this little 2018 retrospective:

 

‘The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you’ve come’

 

Jan-Feb

Similar to nature, the hibernating months…also ‘let’s quickly forget’ months with lots of hospital visits, insecurity on the thyroid matter and ongoing back-related problems. Fast forward, shall we?!

Frozen field February

Mar-Apr

Comes Spring, comes joy…and midweek breaks! We, that is husband and me, visited cosy Maastricht in the Netherlands and vibrant London and in own garden colourful bluebells reign

Maastricht 2018

 

 

London Notting Hill April 2018

May-Jun

Refuelled we kept chasing sunshine with a trip to Belgian seaside, local food festivals  and wonderful Valletta, European cultural capital 2018, on the island of Malta.

De Haan

 

Three Cities Tour Malta

 

Three Cities tour Malta

Jul/Aug

Returning from Malta brought feet quickly back onto the ground: in full Summer mode my inner cruise control broke down and some weird health issues (on top of the existing back problems) surfaced.

Only a short birthday trip to Utrecht, Netherlands, and a lot of trips to doctor’s office.

 

Summer Utrecht 2018

Son Nick went to Madrid with srps.me and had his wallet stolen on last day, drama, drama, though still mr cool guy here

Approching end of August, and luckily feeling a bit better again, in own country, sun was still spreading glorious warmth though the various tasting festivals at wine estates, and the daily growing in size of our own home grapes gently suggested Autumn was on it’s way.

grapes garden

And house cat Wiskie closely watches them shift colour…or not…those afternoon naps are important too, right?!

 

Together with shooting partner-in-crime Eddy I explored Tervuren…

Tervuren poppy installation

…and joined EffenWeg on some inspiring nature walks.

Sept/Oct

Again most trips were to and from hospital, pain at full force peaking-level.

Had to check calendar, but had one (wow!) sort or less doable weekend/week in those two months, and we used that to explore Flanders Westhoek while staying at marvellous B&B ‘Ons Content’ and another shooting trip with Eddy…when I’m more or less well, or at least something that comes close to that definition in my book, it’s all about making the very best of those little getaways!.

CWxRM Palingbeek Ypres

 

Nov/Dec

Short getaway nature break to Luxemburg’s inspiring Müllerthal. The below photo might seem idyllic and as far as surroundings and company it was of course but with balance and vision letting me down walking took a lot of effort and often needed a walking stick, fortunately branches à volonté in the woods 😉

Back home finally some answers on the health issues: got MS diagnosis and immediate start-up of the medication to prevent further deterioration.

Had a fun and inspiring photoshoot Life-Live, a project that you can read all about here Up, close and personal…

 

Beaufort Luxemburg

 

‘Everything has changed and yet I am more me than I have ever been’

 

 

And now what?

 

…We’ll set course for the good life and navigate around the obstacles as best as possible

 

no fixed plans yet this year holiday-wise, so all options are open, except for a fun and kinda last-minute trip coming up very very soon (read Febr): hubby and myself will be spending some time in Doha, Qatar, together with my aunt and uncle we’ll be visiting my nephew (their son) who lives there, so that will be a family reunion embraced by loved ones and warmth of the sun, the best kind!

Ingrid

xxx

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t you breakdown…

Posted on by the-back-road-chronicles

Looking back on last week, what a rollercoaster that was, pain attacks were already at peak level for some weeks, add to that the pain clinic treatment, some bad side-effects to it and a rollercoaster of emotions and you have the perfect cocktail that would knock out any normal sane person…whish it had, than at least I would have slept and could have recharged some batteries…How did it all start, well, long ago of course, with the scoliosis, the fusion, the bad luck of having an infection, six more surgeries, since then chronic and acute pain attacks linked to back and radiating pains and a whole truck load of other severe and some less severe conditions as a result of the back issue, you name it, I have it!

However, that is not what had me upset on the emotional level last week…let me explain…A random conversation, about ten years ago in pain clinic: “if we can take away 10% of your pain, that is already a success, that’s why we do it”. Last week’s conversation, when having my treatment (three times a year): “if the treatment is only giving you relief 2 or 3 months out of four ( in my book that is a lot more than 10% and it is what keeps me going) maybe we should stop it, many of my colleagues wouldn’t treat you anymore.” I had discussed this with her many times, the final month the effect is declining raplidly, facing more attacks, elevating the oral pain meds, more stomach problems, etc but they never search for an alternative or solution on how to cope with that last month…so, again, I ask her what the alternative is, she replies “I don’t have any’ and again points out that it would be more advisable to stop!?! In who’s favor is that? Certainly not in mine, I accept two or three months out of four with open arms. That doesn’t mean I am pain-free in those months, far from it, but it is somehow manageable…

I started crying, I have never felt that alone, that angry, so helpless in my whole life…there was no further communication with doctor, she left…I didn’t see or hear her anymore, thank God for the two caring and understanding nurses. I got a report home for my general physician in which doctor wrote she discussed psychological pain coping sessions with me!?! First of all she didn’t discuss anything with me as she just left the treatment room without saying another word to me or goodbye or best of luck or whatever, and secondly, well, I have been coping with pain since 13 years old, that is 32 years now, think I pretty much know how it works and if anyone can give sessions I can relate and understand so much better therefore stand in front of the classroom myself!

It’s just a ride, it’s just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It’ll take you round and round
Sometimes you’re up
Sometimes you’re down

(lyrics ‘It’s just a ride (Jem)

forget me not
Little ‘Forget me not’ treasures in the garden 

I try not to hide away in a corner, even in my pain filled days, I never stay in bed, try to keep my head up, I read, blog, enjoy nature, photograph, dream, have a caring husband and son, family and friends, what I still haven’t learnt coping with is having to defend myself to my doctor who is supposed to understand, to help, to listen, to look for alternatives, to transfer me to a colleague if she doesn’t know the answer, not write me off!

The pain treatment when already having pains at peak level is no fun and I know from experience I can expect a major attack that same evening and night, however in general, when I can manage to catch just a little sleep, I can recharge my batteries and bit by bit there’s progress soon…well that was definitely not the case last week…have only had one or two other pain attacks falling under the category ‘mother of all attacks’ where husband had to rush me to er and this time was pretty close too. Had doctor on call over twice and finally after two days, finally, finally there was this sparkle of light and hope again! Am better now, chronic pain stays however, can deal with that, the acute attacks are gone for the moment, as they appear irregular, unfortunately, but I still feel tired and mentally a bit exhausted, though force myself to hold on to all the positive things!

As for the utmost patient-unfriendly treatment, have already made an appointment in another nearby hospital to see if they can take over my case and treatments, hope to be able to close that door and chapter soon and hopefully onwards to an approach where they do listen and are wiling to search for solutions or alternatives!

Sorry, hope I didn’t bore anyone, this is part of me too and can’t all be posts on yummy foods and relaxing trips, but hang in there, am resting, nose in the garden and have my batteries in the charger and feet up rest of this week week as a trip planned to The Hague next weekend!

Ingrid

xxx

 

A year in retrospective

Posted on by the-back-road-chronicles

 

Well usually there’s not much point in looking back, with this new year in full swing now, we should look ahead and hope for a year of light, laughter, respect and kindness in the way we live, in the way we treat our planet and the way we treat others. A warm pair of arms like the warmest blanket to comfort us when we need it most, a listening ear to tell our story without being judged, whatever that story may be, as every story is unique and deserves to be told. And maybe, maybe, that story gets a happy ending or closure, just because there was someone to  listen or just be there, to help, to not judge, wouldn’t that be great?!

When new replaces old, it’s a strange mixture of hope and melancholy and I allow myself just for once to look back on what the past year has brought us, to me personally, and to our little family, being my husband Bert, son Nick and our stray cat Wiskie, living with us for more than five years now.

The year started off for me personally in January with lots of medical examinations and hospital visits: the ongoing tinnitus, which I am still coping with, sometimes ok to deal with, sometimes a burden, stomach problems and examinations, and no, not as a result of too festive meals… blame it on too many pills for the chronic back pain, but as I can not alter that situation…onwards we go…

February was a month were nothing really happened, that twilight zone, were your heart and the shop windows make you long for Spring but looking outside only brings grey, cold and wind to freeze your brain. That meant seeking refuge inside and luckily had my hands full and mind distracted with the planning of our Summer holiday road trip.

In March we were fortunate to spend a weekend in lovely romantic Bruges, weather wasn’t that great but had a wonderful time exploring tiny streets, new restaurants and coffee houses. Life was wonderful and we were all starting to dream of Spring when time and life were abruptly stopped on the 22nd when our capital and hearts were under brutal attack.

Was counting down in April to have a pain clinic treatment, which meant a lot of ‘bad’ days in that month prior to the treatment and just after, a lot of staying inside, resting and dreaming of better days.

It’s just a ride, it’s just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It’ll take you round and round
Sometimes you’re up
Sometimes you’re down
It’s just a ride, it’s just a ride
Don’t be scared
Don’t hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don’t forget it’s just a ride

(just a ride – Jem)

Early May brought better weather, which my back and joints were extremely thankful for! Lots of things to do in the garden, my head full of plans and ideas, some seaside trips, Spring at it’s best.

June meant tiptoeing through the house with a student hitting the books, or pretending to be…all ended well and finally ready to start that last year of secondary education after holiday break. If not tiptoeing or baking something as a treat for the above one I hit the books myself, tourist guides, websites, whatever I could lay my hands on to prepare ourselves for our upcoming southwest USA trip.

July was all about that big adventure, a three week trip, bringing us from San Francisco to Phoenix with stops in Monterey, Yosemite NP, Mono Lake, Death Valley NP, Las Vegas, Valley of Fire, Zion NP, Bryce NP, Antelope Canyon, Horseshoe Bend and Grand Canyon.

The trip was on all levels wonderful but exhausting, so August meant rest, rest, rest and another pain clinic treatment. With husband back at work and son joining him making some money as a working student the house was empty, leaving me plenty of time to go through and edit the more than 5000 photos we had taken.

September meant back to school for Nick and I started taking yoga classes…still haven’t figured out if it’s my kind of thing considering my back condition and history. A smaller group with more focus on the limitations some people are facing would be more favourable. Have raised the issue with the physiologist of the pain clinic, maybe they are aware of other programs more suitable for me. We celebrated Nick’s 18th birthday, another page turned and new chapters to write.

October and November granted us the most perfect  Indian Summer, we did some re-arranging in the garden and had a lovely relaxing Halloween break in Durbuy.

Early December meant another trip to the pain clinic and some unexpected and at first upsetting news after some random cardio tests. Further tests luckily meanwhile showed the problem is existing though minor. Step one, as not completely out of the woods yet, trying to determine the cause and reason why I went to a cardiologist in the first place. However, needed a break of the whole doctors and hospitals world that was becoming weekly business, will deal with that one of these weeks to come!

So here we are, we made a full circle again, from pain clinic to pain clinic, from season to season, from end to beginning.

circle
curl hazel tree

Let’s start dreaming again and hope this year brings lots of pleasantries on our path, the small ones, the big ones, the unexpected ones, the ones that make our hearts jump, our eyes twinkle and put a smile on our faces!

 

Wishing you all the very best for 2017!

 

Ingrid

X

Crash and reboot, the chronic back pain tales

Posted on by the-back-road-chronicles

Making notes for this post I wasn’t even sure if I would ever publish it…it’s not a ‘happy’ topic, but it’s part of who I am, right, so why not?! I promise it will not be a depressive or even too long post!

Just to fill in the blanks for those who do not know me, or those who didn’t know that part of me yet: I have been a chronic back pain sufferer for more than thirty years now after several surgeries between the age of 14 and 19. I take tons of medication daily, have regular treatments in pain clinic and stopped working years ago as physically no longer manageable though I left many tears for giving up my job, and still do.

Processed with VSCO with c1 preset
Daily meds

End of story right, take your meds, physio once in a while, lots of resting, respecting the boundaries…oooh I wish it was that simple!

I have a lot of radiating pains, to my legs, to my arms and neck and sometimes to my head leading to migraine. I call them my ‘attacks’: they vary in severeness and in duration, from a few hours to two days. They come on top of the usual daily pains I have and to which I have grown accustomed. They start at random, not triggered by anything specific, though I should not start vacuum cleaning the whole house😉, I can only do one room, or cleaning windows, etc,…things I have all learnt to work around or find other solutions for.

My days are planned based on how I feel, after doing groceries I rest, I sometimes leave them downstairs to unpack half an hour later because I need to lie down first. When cooking dinner I start my preparation in the afternoon so I can rest before doing the actual cooking, that means if dinner is something more elaborate than just cooking pasta! I split up nearly every activity, so I can rest in between. When having a party or invitation by friends or family we try to avoid two evenings in a row, as I know that is asking for trouble. When I know in advance we go out, the schedule is extra cleared the days in advance and resting is doubled. Luckily I have two lovely, understanding men in my life and here in the house helping me out, my husband and son, I honestly would not know what I would do or who I would be in all this without them! I feel blessed with the lovely friends, family and neighbours stopping by concerned and offering their help, so warms the heart!

Though I have learnt these attacks don’t last, every single time they knock me out big time, it’s not only my body that crashes, it’s a mental thing too and takes time and a lot of inner power to reboot every time again, over and over again. Sometimes I’m lucky and I am only overrun by such an attack once every two weeks, sometimes it’s two in one week!
During those attacks, depending on their severeness, visualisation usually helps me…oooh the beaches I’ve been on, and mountain streams, feet in the splashing water, or recalling happy memories from past holidays…I have a happy song too that goes over and over in my head: Katrina and the Waves’ Walking on Sunshine😀how bizarre is that, but it helps…

The most difficult thing still is to let go: letting go of the plans made for that day or evening, my social world has already been reduced and changed, so I do want to hold on and cherish the people and the things I still have or can do but on the attack days I have no choice: it’s letting go, hoping for better hours, days to come, finding that inner strength to reboot again and focus on the many things I can still enjoy like cooking and baking, reading, gardening, photography, holiday planning and dreaming, making new friends, so once I’m up and running again, well, figuratively, don’t it feel good!

Ingrid
Xxx

image
Garden – Hebe Addenda